My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I could make wine with my vomit
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
