god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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