Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
