24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
