Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
