**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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