i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
