Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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