1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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