i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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