youre lurking in front of me
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
