He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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