My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
