Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
