Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
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