I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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