I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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