I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
