Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
