Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
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