She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
