The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
