Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
