you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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