Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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