i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
