Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
