Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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