So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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