Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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