Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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