Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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