If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
