u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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