bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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