Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
