I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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