My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
