I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
