how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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