I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
