how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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