her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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