Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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