you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
