I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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