in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
