Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
