just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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