If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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