She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
