everyone is single if you try hard enough
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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