When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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