I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
